what a savory smell
by taco's bell
Summary: Before one jumps into bed with their significant other, there is something one must find out first. CRACK.


**Warning: **Crack that's funny (and cliche) to me okay. And I totally misinterpreted the prompt too, my bad. For **corporalgayvi. **There will be a day where I think of meaningful thoughtful summaries that actually tells you something, but today is not that day.

* * *

Blue streaked the sky cheerfully, painting the scene a nice soft color. Sunlight skimmed over the pasty edges of clouds, spilling through the crevices and kissing the earth below. Vendors flashed open, people scurried about in peace. No titans stumbling about. All in all, it was a good day. Except for Eren. And, arguably, Rivaille.

"I don't know why you insist on arguing the point, we both know who's going to win," Rivaille sighed, looking out the window with a bored expression. Eren gritted his teeth, asked who that might be. The corporal rolled his eyes.

The boy struggled to keep his calm at the blatant insult before sighing. Eren reached under the table and pulled out a board with a chart on it. TopRivaille or TopEren. The corporal finally glanced over. Eren smiled at the attention, brought out two rolls of stickers. One of them was packed with cheerful smiley faces. The other was stacked with sad pathetic smileys. Eren threw the latter to his superior who caught it.

"See," Eren said, pointing to the empty chart, "I found a way to settle this argument with some outside influence. I mean, if the world thinks I should take it then I can't argue. Vice Versa."

"You've been planning this." Eren shrugged in response. Rivaille sighed, stood up. "Fine."

* * *

They met Christa and Sasha first. Christa glanced at the chart sharply, looked away. Sasha only stared at them with curiosity as she snatched a slice of bread from Christa's bag. Christa nodded in greeting and Eren pushed Rivaille aside before he could order her around.

"Christa! Who do you find more dominate, me or _him?_"

Christa looked at the fuming Rivaille behind him, cleared her throat. "While I find Corporal marginally more intimidating, I have to go with you, Eren. I've known you longer and I've seen how you are in...some situations."

"You really are a goddess," Eren muttered to himself as Rivaille scoffed, then turned to Sasha who had gotten distracted. "Sasha! Me or _him?_" The girl in question glanced at Eren, swallowed her food.

"Corporal," Sasha said confidently, before turning to Christa and whispering in her ear, "That's what you picked right?" Rivaille had already slapped a sticker on his side.

* * *

They saw Mikasa walking their way, a basket of bread stashed in one arm. And promptly swerved in the other direction.

* * *

"Oi, you." Rivaille called out and Jean turned around, grimaced. Rivaille ignored it. "Eren or me?" Jean glanced over the chart.

"Corporal," Jean said immediately, gave Eren a nasty smile before turning back to whatever he was doing. _W__ho didn't see that one coming_, Eren frowned as Rivaille slammed another sticker onto the board.

* * *

Eren spotted Annie, Reiner, and Berthold first (whatever reason they were hanging out together was beyond him), and fearing their answers, turned to a random old man and asked him instead. It distracted Rivaille to say the least.

"Well," the old man said, stroking his beard sagely, "I've heard great tales about Corporal Levi of the Scouting Legion." He paused to scrutinize Rivaille who nodded in approval, reaching for his sticker pad.

"But!" the old man interjected, wagging his finger in Rivaille's face, "I'm afraid I've seen what this big boy has when he's transformed, and I'm going to have to go with Jaegar on this one."

Eren, who was just looking dejected, started, quickly took the old man's hands in his to shake with vigor. "Wise choice, old man! You won't regret this."

Rivaille scowled and slapped Eren's hands away. "Titans don't have genitals, you senile blindass. I'm not going to get fucked by air."

"They have babies from somewhere," the old man countered without hesitation, pushing his glasses up his nose where it glinted ominously, "I'm sure you'll find out where they hide it soon enough."

The corporal looked disgusted and duly horrified. Eren just shrugged, snatched his sticker and dragged the board to his side to stick it on. The boy stilled when a blade was leveled at his throat suddenly, the sun glinting from the metal into his eye. Eren winced and whined, "Hey, no cheating, or are you really that insecure in your position?"

"Shut up!" Rivaille barked, glared at the old man. "What does one geezer who's going to get eaten matter to me? Look at you." He sneered. "You don't even have a name."

The old man gasped, bringing one hand up to his chest in a dramatic fashion. "Well, I never!" Eren moved to apologize for the other's behavior but Rivaille just kicked under the boy's legs, forcing him on his knees, stomped on his back. Eren sighed, _how does it always end like this. _He glanced behind him, eyes trailing over lean legs. _Still, decent view._

"Eyes in front, shitty brat," Rivaille drawled and Eren complied slowly. Blue-green eyes glanced up to the confused old man. "What is your name anyways?"

"Uh," the old man said, "I'm sorry, you know, old age affects the memory." Rivaille narrowed his eyes.

"Hm," Rivaille grunted, "Or maybe you just don't have one, because you're gonna get eaten alive soon and then your vote can't matter."

"Hey now," the old man said, "I remember something with a N. It starts out with N definitely."

"Yeah, it's called NONAME and NOFACE and NOLIFE," Rivaille snapped. "Now get out of mine!" The old man scurried away while Eren watched with a deadpan expression.

* * *

"Levi," Irvin deadpanned. Rivaille nodded. Eren sighed.

* * *

"Sorry Eren," Marco laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "But I'm going with the Corporal on this one." Eren nodded to show he understood as Rivaille smugly removed a sticker from his pack. Slowly reached up to place it on. Just as the tip of it touched the board, Eren smacked Rivaille's hand away, snatching the sticker in his own fingers.

The boy laughed hysterically as the others turned to him in concern. "Yeager doesn't accept double standards in this relationship, asshole!"

"Hey, have you gone batshit insane?"

"That old man doesn't count, huh?" Eren shouted, eyes just a little crazed. He held up the sad smiley for all to see. "Well then this only counts as HALF A VOTE!" Teared the sticker in half.

Rivaille clicked his tongue in annoyance, but took one half and stuck it on. Eren sobered, flicked the other half on the ground, glared at the corporal who returned it. They left quickly, eager to get it over with.

Marco bent down to pick up the grinning smiley face. It was torn in half, its one eye staring up at him. The boy frowned, _wait, that wasn't right. _Turned the smiley around. A sad half-torn smiley stared up at him with its one sad sad eye.

"What."

* * *

"Eren," Armin said without hesitation. Eren grinned, wrapped a friendly arm around the other boy's shoulders. Rivaille scowled, kicked the boy to the ground again, put one foot on top of his back. Armin eyed them with concern.

"I'm not sure Mikasa would approve," Armin began, cleared his throat when Rivaille glanced up at him sharply. "I mean, I'm hungry, who wants some food?" Hurried off as Eren stretched out a hand to his retreating figure.

_Sorry Eren, _the boy thought as he fled, _but fuck your problems for one day!_

* * *

Connie rubbed his chin, almost in an imitation of the old man from earlier. Eren sighed, they'd been waiting for a while.

"I wanna say Corporal," the boy began, tapping his chin, "but just because you're a big dick doesn't mean you have one." Eren laughed, prompting Rivaille to smack him in the back of the head.

"And I wanna say Eren," Connie continued, ignoring the scuffle behind him, "but I mean, it's Eren."

A sigh. "Count me out on this one, I'm gonna have to say no on both accounts." The boy glanced behind him, noticed the murderous intent.

"Ah, shit."

* * *

Ymir leaned onto the board, eyes roaming over the numerous stickers scattered everywhere. She hummed as she seemed to search for something.

"Let me guess," she said, "Christa picked Eren." Eren nodded and Ymir sighed, stepping back from the board. "She's always doing stuff like that."

"Like what?" Eren asked, and Rivaille sighed, clearly bored.

"Trying to make a good impression on everyone," Ymir scoffed, and Eren frowned. He was sure Ymir was just jealous she didn't have the same social grace.

"Anyways," Ymir announced, as if they were below her as she walked away, "I think you guys both suck and swallow."

A beat of silence. "So no vote, right."

* * *

They ended up traveling all over the town, asking anyone until the board was completely covered. Eren slanted a look to the man beside him.

"I can't trust you to count your side right," Eren said, and Rivaille grunted the same. They headed over to Hanji's, whom Rivaille soon found out planted the idea in Eren's head in the first place. Hanji had already voted Rivaille before the game started.

Hanji whistled at the covered board, muttered, "Give me a sec, I'm working on something right now."

They left the board with Hanji as they left for a much needed break. Eventually, Hanji started to count the stickers meticulously, keeping the number in her head. Hanji actually wondered who would win, they seemed pretty close.

_Might be Eren,_ Hanji thought with speculation, reached back for a pen to write his number down. Spilled the fluid onto the cuff of the sleeve, stood up which knocked the glass down. That only served to make things worse, spilling the concoction all over the table and onto the board, burning it deeply.

"Uh," Hanji said, stared at the gaping holes where stickers should be.

* * *

"Oi, glass-eyed freak," Rivaille announced as he walked into the room, Eren in tow. The room was shrouded in darkness and the corporal squinted his eyes, annoyed, ordered Eren to get the lights.

"There'll be no need for that," a gravelly voice began, and a small lamp turned on a desk in the corner of the room, revealing Hanji's face with steepled fingers in front. "You've failed, Levi. I'm disappointed."

"What are you on now," Rivaille grumbled, and Eren stepped closer into the room, hoping to find the light switch.

"JAEGER!" Hanji shouted, an almost desperate plea that stilled the boy. "You've failed too! Now sit down." Eren sent Rivaille a look but complied.

"I was hoping you'd see through my ploy, Eren," Hanji sighed, eyes closed, "but it seems I put too much faith in you. You see, this _challenge_ was to see who would crack first. Who would accept things the way they should be." Hanji struggled for more words.

"And that would be?" Rivaille asked, crossing his arms.

"CALM DOWN," Hanji said, "DON'T RUSH ME. I KNOW YOU'RE SCARED. FAILURE DOES THAT TO YOU." Rivaille tched, waited as Hanji tried again after a few seconds.

"The point was, was to stabilize your relationship." Eren and Rivaille exchanged meaningful looks. "Yes, yes, that's it! I've been watching this _relationship_ develop in my time here, and I realized how positively indubitably undoubtedly _unstable_ it is!"

Hanji waved arms around to demonstrate. "Both of you want to be the more dominant one, especially in bed, and that's all fine and good. Except, and here's the catch here kids, you're making the other person _yield _to satisfy your own goddamned needs. In order for you to obtain your happiness, the other has to relinquish theirs." Hanji slammed both hands on the desk, stood up, scraping the chair back.

"You're both equals! Accept it! Sometimes, you have to yield but not always. Not completely! That's not how healthy relationships _work. _Why can't you have both? Both is always good!" Hanji sighed, collapsed back in the chair, and leaned forward into folded hands to hide face. Several moments of silence. A whisper of cloth against cloth that suggested someone was moving, a door creaking open.

"Maybe you're finally onto something," Rivaille said before his footsteps faded away. Eren cleared his throat, muttered a lame apology before following. A few more seconds. Glasses peeked out. Nothing. A few more seconds. Peeked out again. Nothing.

A mad burst of laughter.

* * *

Somewhere, off in the distance where the crickets chirped and everything was at peace, Mike lifted his head up abruptly, sniffed.

"I smell bullshit."


End file.
